ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
