i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
