Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
