moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
