before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
