I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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