You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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