hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
