dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
