Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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