Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
