Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
