is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
