Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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