my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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