They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
