Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
