I'm sorry my penis didn't work
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
