Soap is not a condiment
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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