i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
