This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
