The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
