does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
