have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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