When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
