she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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