if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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