Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
