i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
