I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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