dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
