now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
