i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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