I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
