How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
