My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
