So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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