Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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