Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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