apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
