I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
