there's paper in my vomit.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
