I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
