he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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