I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
