Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
