i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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