If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
