If i come over, it means nothing
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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