Someone shit on the floor
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
