How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
