we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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