I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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