im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
